'Merican History: appropriate patriotic apparel

People often ask how 'Merica came to be. In the summer of 2012, I went to the Olympics in London. (Los Angeles, 1984 was my first, but I was too young to remember much, mostly images of horses and soccer balls). For this experience, I decided I wanted to be that American Guy, the one whom all other countries see as typically American: egotistical, brash, full of himself, overly patriotic, and loud--in words, action and dress.

Before I packed my bags, I had visions of the different types of 'Merica I was going to be. I searched online for all iterations of iconic American clothing: shorts, shirts, bandanas, hats, glasses, shoes, whatever the world wide web would show me. I was red, white, and blue hunting. Luckily, it was after the 4th of July and places still had some remnants of American wear here and there. This would've been a shopping disaster if I was going to the Winter Olympics.

Like a good American, I got most of my stuff at Walmart. There is nothing more American than shopping at the 'Mart of Wal. (Unless you care about mom and pop stores and not about outsourcing American jobs, but that's for another blog). 100% of it came from the clearance racks. 'Merica shops frugally.

I headed to London with half of my suitcase filled with appropriate patriotic apparel. I couldn't wait to head to the events as 'Merica. I didn't want to just wander around in these special outfits. 'Merica wanted to support the American athletes with his, well, 'Merican-ness.

My first event was women's volleyball ('Merica loves volleyball, truly a 'Merican sport).
http://www.volleyball.org/history.html

I didn't have tickets to the American match. I had tickets to the later match, but I hoped to sneak in to see the end of the USA vs Brazil game. These were the #1 and #2 teams in the world at the time. I chatted up this lovely, Nigerian, young woman who was standing guard at the hallway to get into the arena. A Brazilian fellow and I were trading friendly barbs about our teams. From where we were, we could kind of see the match. The young woman's supervisor came over and told us all to leave the hallway as we were a fire hazard or something. I retreated back to the area under the seats to wait for the next match. When her supervisor left, she called me over and told me to go find an empty seat. She loved my 'Merican spirit...and my clothing!! We beat Brazil, if you were wondering.

The young woman who let 'Merica in

I wasn't feeling it with that version of 'Merica. Something just wasn't right. Maybe the stripes made me look fat. I don't know. The next night, I got to see the men's volleyball team play Brazil, again #1 vs #2. I really needed an American vibe for this game.

I went with a bandana and sunglasses and a badass American polyester button up with a bald eagle and a motherfucking Harley. You can't be more 'Merican than that. 'Merica was born on that day.